The Cellar Door Stays Locked

It hurts the way I completely despise you
And yet completely adore you
When did I lose all faith in myself

The Adventure of Frank

New place to post

I'm ditching blogger for wordpress.

I hope you all will still check it.

Website = http://therealmess.wordpress.com

It should be glorious.

The Mirror Just Laughs

Don't look back, don't reminisce
Over every single kiss
Give it time before you give in
She is nothing but a curse and I have suffered worse
But I've never learned my lesson
High heels, black dress
They're my weakness
While you're inching down my spine

I don't know you, I won't pretend to, I don't know anything at all
I don't know you, but look who's laughing now

Don't forgive, don't forget
Just soak in this regret
Shrug it off before they notice
If you can accept all my lies, why not as easily my goodbyes
At best you're serendipitous, fictitious, you're pathetic
Short skirt, real mess
You're my weakness
While you're walking on the line

I don't love you, I won't pretend to, I can't feel anything at all

It Was Only A Kiss

I want you to rest inside my head

Gnawing at my conscience

Until I forget what was wrong in the first place

Whoever said forgive and forget got the order incorrect

My memory is failing me and allowing you to come back

And I'll be okay with it

At first

Until I remember the reason I gave up on your sorry ass

I'll walk a thousand miles

And fly a thousand more

To worlds you could only imagine

Every second passing by I'll take the double-edged sword

Of relief and regret

And enjoy it cutting through me

How could it have ended up like this?

I thought I'd found someone to rely on

But I guess I'll trade up

I mean

It was only a kiss [of death]

All The Words In My Mouth

I've been broken to the core

Easily forgiven over time

And if I am seeming backwards

Know it's only in your mind

Cuz I am dropping heavy words

That have begun breaking through your bones

You have failed to realize that despite my tongue's deceit

I'm as bitter as you are alone

I don't know what I'm headed for (a breakdown, a breakdown)

Keep telling myself I want you more (let's lay down let's lay down)

Heavy sighs turn to light-hearted lies (you're fake now, you're fake now)

Keeping me awake at night (a breakdown, a breakdown)

So let's lay down all of our cards

And I'll be your king of hearts

You'll be the queen and do the same disappearing act

You've always done

To everyone before and after

The silence brings forth laughter

Also pity, disgust, remorse, and you're stuck in this loathsome cycle

Again and again and again

California In Sweet Hypocrisy

I want to be sober
Not somber
Ecstatic
Not static
Forgiving
Not for giving up
Somewhere
Not here
I want to be inspired
The way my heart used to be
When I'd sit before you
And tell you anything that was on my mind
That had caused me to rot for the day
And in spilling it upon these blank canvases
Would buy me hours of survival
Wondering when the next crash would come
And I wouldn't be near pen or paper
To release these caged demons
That hide behind forlorn eyes
Neither hazel nor blue
They sit like hollow pits
And dart around the room
As if expecting you to walk in
And I'd let these ideas build up
Until I'd fallen in love
Not with a person
An idea
And once the person is attached to this idea
The words pour like waterfalls from my fingertips
Beckoning your lips to talk fast
And your hips to walk away faster
But I don't care how this affects you
I'm only worried about how long it'll take me to recover
So while I pretend we were lovers
You won't even have a clue
That this is about you

Helpless

The words came from your lips
Like a jigsaw
Like a buzzsaw
A puzzle I could not figure out
And cut through skin and bone
Your words weigh more than the silence
Yet say less
The cat has stolen your tongue
And holds on for dear life
Praying that when you release
The truth pours from you
Like tears from eyes
But it is never that easy
No
Your beauty is confined in literary devices
Held up in consciousness
You have stolen my heart
With a breath
And a revelation

Life's Coming Up

Oh how the wind does blow through hair of youth

A gentle breeze that pushes us to bloom

Instead we all sit ever complacent

Wondering when time is all but spent

I will take this whisper across my cheek

Turn it to actions where words cannot speak

Finally something I can accomplish

Without fear of destroying those I love

This will be the first step to a new me

Be prepared for the outcome and you'll see

Something that's never stood before you here

While I fade away, my self will appear

And in the absence that my soul creates

(This soul I have yet to find or replace)

Will lead to a thousand paths to choose from

I will choose and ride off to set sun

You Wouldn't Believe All The Things I Have Done

I don't understand what it means to be a:

   Man

   Friend

   Love

   Success

I know what it means to be a:

   Child

   Fool

   Embarrassment

   Failure

Lord have mercy upon my soul

I am nowhere near where I should be

Instead I've faked my way for so long

I don't remember what it's like to be real

Please forgive me

A Day For Me

I have never told the truth

In these past three years

I have bottled it all inside

Giving everyone the version they want to hear

The one they want to know me as

I currently sit on the precipice of the moment in my life

Where I decide who I want to be

And take full accountability

For my actions

I have never been more terrified

After I've been digging my grave for so long
I can't remember what it's like to build something

Trust will be shattered

Like mirrors in hallways

I have stumbled upon and into

Realizing the face that looks back at me

Is no longer recognizable

And instead

Is a face I've grown to hate

And yet it spreads

Like a disease

I am not yet prepared for the task

I do not know how this story ends

Which is why I stall so feverishly

Once I begin my story

Like a waterfall I will give in

Caving in to the fears

Allowing myself to be open and vulnerable

That's where the terror comes in

Preparing for my downfall

That's the hardest part

I Think I Found The Missing Link

I believed in everyone for too long

Now failure comes in waves

I'm just a footnote on daily plans

Never the main event

I need to stop getting so ahead of myself

And remember that

I pause

Draw a breath

And a conclusion

While I'm at it

I draw my weapon

And blood

Fall upon the floor

Everybody Knows It Sucks To Grow Up

One, Two
Pressure is building
Three, Four
I can't take much more
Five, Six
Blame is starting to stick
Seven, Eight
It's me I hate
Nine, Ten
Let's not mention this again

I Thought I Was Part Of Something More

Where do I start?

I have attempted to remedy the only part of my body

That aches every second

In a balance between what I should do to save myself

And what I should do to please everyone else

No matter which road I take

I am failing someone

I took a breath of fresh air this morning

Hoping it would hold me over

Until tomorrow

Instead I clammed up

Forgot my way back home

Got lost taking a step to the front door

Stop

Back up for a second

I forgot my keys

Not the ones to an automobile

The one to your heart

I haven't misplaced it

I never had possession of it to begin with

Pretending to have ownership over someone

Gives me a sense of well-being

And makes me believe in the world again

Until tomorrow

When I wake up to find the days have passed

And you are no closer to me

Then the first day we met

I'll convince myself otherwise

If love is so pure

Why am I so fickle?

I will fall for one after another

And while you may come and go

Right at the end of our encounters

I'll take a breath

And hold that

Until tomorrow

Good Morning Sunshine

I had a dream last night
Possibly a nightmare
The monster stuck to shadows
Slinking around the precipice
Waiting for me to make a mistake
I awoke
And found
The enemy was nothing more
Than a figment of my imagination
Much like reality

Total Revenge

When you begin to understand

That I am in love with no one

And let that truth sink in

For a minute

For an hour

For a day

Then you can come back to me

Look deep into my eyes

And finally see

That despite the looks of things

These lies you hear

Sprout from the truth I speak

And the questions you spew

Lie in the answers I seek

I'm not infallible

Nor am I always fallen

I'm just the one who falls apart fastest

And heals just as fast

Compare the demise to the rise

You will see the similarities

And while you're discovering the truth

Of what is already plainly in front of you

I'll be on my way to the next fall

When It All Comes Crashing Down

I'm a mess
And as you read that sentence
Let it percolate
Let it reside in your skull and ferment
Until it begins to rot
Like my conscience
Rotten to the very core
Like the apple that spoiled the bunch
Rotting beneath the earth
Hidden under seashells and sandcastles
To give the ground above more appeal
It's love at first sight
Second glances provide second chances
For you to back out while you still can
But you'll stick around
The only thing more exciting than the self-destruct
Is witnessing it

Midnight Dresses Are For Dreaded Messes

She smiled at first
A lie upon hard lips
But even lies slip sometimes
As the edges of her grin
Dropped ever lower
She remembered the hanging regret
Above her head like mistletoe
Without the implications of future love
No, this regret hangs like the hallows
Searing its way into her heart
Until all that is left is a reminder
Of a dream
A nightmare
A ghost from her past
She takes a breath
Nightmares are only as real as you allow
She stares down her enemy
The flashbulb bursts into a thousand pieces
That etched frown stains the photograph
Truth lies captured for all time
She smiles

Lie, Lie, Lie (Sunshine)

You're so short-sighted and of such short stature
You were never looking for a man to love, just a heart to capture
But everything that you say is never how it is
You're a fairytale and just as real

Lie in your bed
With everything that you should of said
Lie to your dreams
And questioning what you did to me
Lie lie lie de da haha
We're laughing without you with so much style
When you lie to yourself
That he makes you smile

In the realm of all things going
Exactly as they seem
I am headed nowhere
To somewhere you've never been
But if I reach out my hand and you fail to take it
I'll still appear angry
But like your love
I'll just fake it

You are no sunshine, you're a cloudy day
I've been waiting for the storm to break
But the forecast is filled with rain
You are no sunshine, you're a cloudy day
You cover up your blue skies with gray

How I Feel

Breathe in deeply
And exhale quietly
Into me
Filling up my hollow soul
With a mockery of oxygen
Your carbon dioxide just rots

This Mirror Echos Voices While The Canyon Reflects Self

I looked into her eyes
While I whispered confessions
Admittances lingered on softened tongues
When did the past get so in control
Of everything our futures can be?
I conceded
That's a lie
I halted mid-sentence
And swam in the murky gray silence that followed
Shortly thereafter
I started right back where I left off
Blessed be thy nature
Or at least my nature
Or the nature of myself
Better to forgive and forget
Than grow up alone
This is my life
He said
I agreed and smiled
You can only achieve what you set out to do
And what you let yourself accomplish
Once we arrive at the destination
I'll turn around and go back
Because the journey is always the best part
That's when I hold your hand
And pull you with me
The mirror just echos our voices
And the canyons we've conquered
Are just hollow reflections of ourselves
We'll smile at the end of the day
Knowing I have won your heart
And while I whispered these confessions
She looked into my eyes

Starcrossed

It's the time we spend that fades
Like a shooting star
The future growing dim
While all behind it
The past is shining bright
I am not ready to fall apart
I'm ready to piece myself together
Frankenstein's monster comes to mind
Though he's slightly less confused
I'm slightly more broken
Lead me on
It'll make you more comfortable
I'll contort to save your day
Who cares about me anyway?
I'm just along for the ride

Cellar Doors And Deep Closets

Here I am
Talking to myself again
Expecting you to hear me
The beginning of each of these
Is less of a message then it is a warm-up
For the big event
While I distract with words
And phrases
You will never know the true meaning
Until it's too late and it seeps into your soul
I want you
And for some reason
I'd wait forever to find you again
As soon as I figure out why
I'll let you know
For now
Let's let bygones be bygones
And failures be forgotten
And dreams be remembered
And love be rekindled
And that way
Instead of miserably drudging through each day
We can smile

That's all I've wanted from day one
Your smile beside me

You Are Still Here Beside Me

I'm taking a breath
For the first time in ages
Hoping that you'll follow suit
Because what more is life
Than a series of breaths
With minor complications in between
Once held reclusive
Now all is out in the open
My dreams are lost in the making
Of such a wonderfully sad fairy tale
Today I'm taking a breath
Tomorrow I'll exhale
And out will come the monstrosity
That has plagued me from the start
Like my beating heart
Or is that breaking heart?
I can never remember
I plead the fifth
Because I cannot recall
The first time I laid eyes upon you
Or the second, third or fourth
Instead I'll hold on to you
Like a lost child holds a hand
Because
In the realm of all things going
Exactly as they seem
I am headed nowhere
To somewhere you've never been
But if I reach out my hand
And you fail to take it
I'll still appear to be consumed in anger
But like your love
I'll just fake it

happy birthday...

The day
Where everyone
who hasn't talked to you since the last time
Deems it time to speak to you 
You're now worthy of their time
That's all you wanted right?
Wish granted

Cage Me

Ladies and gentlemen
Allow me to introduce to you
A man
Hollowed through time
Forgotten by his peers
Alone in a journey to nowhere
This man is simply me
Stuck in a grind
Imposed by societal standards
"You can't succeed without this"
But I want to travel
I want to disappear into you
Not you
You who abandoned me when I needed you most
No, not you
Instead the new you
I found someone else to be loved by
But not really
I throw around the word love so that I can feel complete
And when I lie alone at night
I can dream of a world where I'm in love
This makes me feel like loneliness is a temporary condition
That I've been stuck in for almost all of my twenty-one years of life
Irony? or Coincidence?
I'm not sure any more
You slay me to save me
Or slave me to say (to) me
Apologies formed on broken land
These promises do not set well with one so fallen
Instead I'll take your words with a grain of salt
Remember it's all my fault
And eternally collapse

Get Me Out Of Here

It's almost laughable the way I keep falling head over heels
I would give away my soul to never feel this way again
Why does my happiness hinge on tattered truths?
When will I become ignorant enough to soak myself in bliss?
These questions (among others) will not be answered
They'll burrow deep like a cancer
Stealing years away from my life
Until one day I'll look up and shout
IT'S ALL MY FAULT
But I won't believe it
Neither will those sitting front row to the self-realization that has momentarily occured
And then faded
Like the moon on a starless night
Or the promises you fail to keep
Or the life I fail to lead
Regardless I'm half ashamed
Of the person I was
The person I am
And the person I'm becoming
The trifecta of self-pity and demoralization
I only welcome change because it distracts me from the only thing I truly fear
The only thing that's always constant
Me

Hindsight Is 20/20 But My Foresight Needs A Better Prescription

This is a dream
Stop
As soon as I awake I'll recall it to be a nightmare
So the next time I lay my head to sleep
I can pretend that this isn't what I wanted
And instead
Is something I should avoid
Like a plague or cancer upon my subconscious
How did it get this way?
Through years of denial
Culminating into the very heartbreak seeker that lies before you here
But in these groggy hours of the mid-morning
Where the line between fact and fiction blurs
I will pretend you are my guardian angel
And that is something I can hold on to

Under Doses of Novacaine

So your promises lie broken
Upon a floor where no one cares
Though I remain unspoken
No one will ever save me here
So I loved without restrictions
and I loved without restraint
I loved under no conditions
But I guess that was my mistake
     But where is my happily ever after
     The one promised in your laughter
     The one I've always been after
     Oh where is my happily ever after
So what if your words can make me smile
That doesn't undo the hurt they've done
If my heart was meant for breaking
Yours is meant to be the lonely one
     But where is my happily ever after
     The one promised in your laughter
     The one I've always been after
     Oh where is my happily ever after

Check Yes

Why must we kill each other like this?
Double homicides are so cliche
I'd rather we had a double suicide
Romeo & Juliet show us the way
It's far less brutal
And far more romantic
This poison-tipped dagger rests
While I await it's fury
Somehow
I'm winning every single battle
In a landslide
And yet
Losing the war
I'm lost at sea
And tonight
Woe is me

Breathless, Regretless

You were always pretty reckless with my love
You cast me aside, regret-less, when you're done
I should have known you'd leave me breathless and alone
I was speechless when you closed this door
It feels just like you took the heart out of my aching chest

All's Well That Ends Well

You can stare into my eyes all you want
There is no peace of mind to be found
I line it up in my head that you're here to stay
And I will be the chosen one
But instead
Blessed be the ones who stick around the most
The requirements are only shallow thoughts and high hopes
At this point words fail me
My only companion through good and bad
Thick and thin
Love and hate
And it's abandoning me on this battlefield
Wonderful
Just when I needed it most
I gasp for a breath that isn't there
And instead of lying to benefit myself
I billow out truth after truth
(For once in my life)
To seal loss
The loss
When I wrote down my favorite words
Beautiful. Hollow.
I should have seen the ironic foreshadowing

Emptiness Is Just a Fad that's Fading Fast

Hollow.
I'm bleeding on the page again
Coughing up line after line
Praying each one impresses more than the last
But like daylight while you are here, it's fading so fast
I absolutely adore you
Alliteration aside
I'm echoing my shortcomings
Hoping they become full by shouting them over and over
Instead, they become smaller
Dwarfed by the very size of the canyon
That's forming inside
Between the life I've been living
And the life I'm beginning to live
Once I've overcome myself
The only affecting factor will be you
So for now
Sweet Cinderella please take my hand
I'm done taking the cyanide for now
Because of you
I want to survive

Every Sinking Ship Needs A Captain

I'm the problem, you're the solution
A fix to a fix to a fix to a lie
We are all just walking jokes
Sharing the same punch line
I hate to keep saying it but it's true
I never meant anything until I fell with you
There is nothing I can say that you haven't seen before
Our happily ever aftermath lies in pieces on the floor

Testing testing, 1-2-3. Is this working? I don't know
The end is the beginning and I'm beginning to feel all alone
Testing testing, 1-2-3, is anybody there?
This is a confession in a masterpiece and I know that you don't care

An overdose of the limelight; another hit, another town
My facade has taken over and it's wearing me around
The blessing isn't cleaning up after all of your mistakes
It's being able to cover them and wear the lies upon your face

Testing testing, 1-2-3. Is this working? I don't know
The end is the beginning and I'm beginning to feel all alone
Testing testing, 1-2-3, is anybody there?
This is a confession in a masterpiece and I know that you don't care

Every sinking ship needs a captain
And I only want that captain to be you

These Fields Are Forever Flooded

It's been one lifetime for me
But it's only been two weeks for you
And these last three years have seen
So much shit we've both gone through
I've waited too long for this
To just be fucked without a kiss
So what's a boy like me to do
But fall apart with you

I've gone all in on the wrong hand, wrong time
To fall in the damage I create
And despite the hope that lines your lips
Your God doesn't want me saved
I've been waiting for someone like you
For years and years and years
The song you sing, I've never heard
But sounds like love to my deaf ears

It's been one lifetime for me
But it's only been two weeks for you
And these last three years have seen
So much shit we've both gone through
I've waited far too long for this
To just be fucked without a kiss
So what's a boy like me to do
But fall in love with you

No Longer Being Alone Means Everything Seems More Real

Play her favorite song until you conjure words from pouted lips
Until they're distracted long enough to steal away a kiss
Next thing you know you'll stop listening to me
Because I've never really known anything anyway

And now I'm lost at sea, woah.
I'm drowning in the sea, woah.
I'm lost at sea, woah.
And tonight woe is me.

She's got you hinging on her hellos and goodbyes
Finally she starts slipping up on alibis
You promised yourself you'd find another fish in this ocean
But you can't seem to pull it together

And now you're lost at sea, woah.
You're drowning in the sea, woah.
You're lost at sea, woah.
But tonight woe is me.

Something Different

It's late at night where are you?
I've got nothing better to do
Are you real, are you real?
I'll hold the pieces of your heart
Inside my fragile arms
How does it feel
To know you'll never be alone
To have something to call your own

Julianne
You are the one
That I've been waiting on for
So long
To everything I've done
I just can't wait
To see that smile drip down your face
Julianne

Come softly close to me
Can you hear my heartbeat?
How does it feel?
I don't believe in fairy tales
Or how I've become so frail
Are you real, are you real?
I don't know what you've done
But heartbreak has never felt so fun

Julianne
You are the one
That I've been waiting on for
So long
To everything I've done
I just can't wait
To see that smile drip down your face
Again
Julianne

Interchanging Titles

Your name is an echo
Of a time I've forgotten
A familiar memory
That's never existed
I'm rolling through the ecstasy
Praying every moment is mine
One day, maybe it will be
And never loved me will instead
Be referring to the one I never cared for
No longer a burden to carry
But a mistake to laugh at
And share starry nights with
She will become immorally immortal
While you become eternal
And I become elated
Every smile dripping with happiness
Instead of angst and loathing
One day
Maybe

Reality

The worst part isn't falling apart
It's feeling like everyone stopped caring about putting you back together

What Do They Say About Every Beginning?

The words you say come out like daggers
Yet they never pierce the skin
They merely sit there
In anticipation
As if merely their presence
Will invoke gashes into my soul
Your eyes rest beautifully
Surrounded by years
Of effects
Of sights seen
Of a distant life
Of faded memory
And yet you spill these truths
Forth from filled cup
I am left gathering the remains
I confess
I try to fix
Your rainbow of memories aren't awaiting an outsider
They're waiting for you to face your demons
The whole world is rooting for you
And if not the whole world
Then at least me
Because I've studied this battle
It's you versus them
David versus Goliath
Ego versus Id
I hope
That at the end of this
I will be able to run a victory lap
Right beside you

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's so hard to follow you
Your heart pours out onto the page
And I'm left holding the pieces
Struggling to find tape to mend your broken self
One day
You'll be ready for my outreached hand
You've said so yourself
Allow me to paint this picture
With words you've become so acquainted with
I will not lash out at you once again
For once was enough
And the gaping hole left
Searing inside my chest
Has finally come to rest
But as for now
I will fade into the distance
Until you become strong enough
To deal with the infallible failure I've become

Salutations

Good morning.
I've said this multiple times
To people I barely know
To people I cherish
And yet
It's mostly a lie
I can't remember the last "good morning" I had
All I can remember is waking up
Next to vacant spots
Or hollow souls
Both giving the same feeling of dismay
Or something like it
Sometimes I struggle with the plausibility of being awake

My only distraction is my dreams
Even nightmares are welcome
Anything to avoid reality
There I can fly
Here I passively await the next trial
To see what possible outcome I will be accused of
And then found guilty of
And then serve my time for
But the lesson after all of this is quite simple
I will not go down without a fight
I will be able to love no matter what
If I repeat this enough times
Hopefully I'll begin to believe it's the truth